In 1988, on average 61% of the time, the woman was the petitioner. If there were children involved, the stat was 65% and without children it was 56%. It was only around 7% of all cases where the husband and the wife together petitioned for divorce. This means that 93% of the time, it was only one spouse who petitioned for divorce. The table, dating from 1975 to 1988, consistently shows that women petitioned for divorce twice as much as men.
In the United Kingdom, Grant Thorton surveyed matrimonial lawyers in 2004 and concluded that 93% of divorce cases were petitioned by wives. (Wikipedia: Divorce: Causes of divorce) The BBC echoed this percentage in their article of January 23, 2005.
In the New York Times article of July 11, 2000 "The Big City; A New Look At Realities Of Divorce", the reporter John Tierney writes:
Which sex is mostly to blame for divorce? ... Conservative preachers and liberal feminists... journalists (including this one) and politicians of all persuasions have righteously condemned ''deadbeat dads.'' ... But there's a problem with the conventional wisdom. Across America, at least two-thirds of divorce suits are filed by women... in cases where the divorce is not mutually desired, women are more than twice as likely to be the ones who want out. After the split, women are typically happier than their exes.
In the 2009 article "Men After Divorce: In Touch With Feelings" by Bill Ritter (ABC News), the author writes:
It's the typical Hollywood view of men and divorce: The guy trades in the old wife for a new, younger model and a really cool life in the fast lane. We know the stereotype, and it's what a lot of men and women think actually happens. But we went in search of the truth, and found that it's not even close to the myth. Here's a painful sampling of the eight divorced men we brought together:
"I was so lost in myself after divorce, I didn't know who the hell I was," said John Heany, a salesman from St. Louis.
"I was terrified of it. I was terrified of being alone actually," offered Scott Bolden, a Washington lawyer.
"It was a death of dreams … a death of hopes and wishes," moaned Joe Thompson, a twice-divorced banker.
The myth is so easily shattered. For starters, it's not usually the men who leave the women — and certainly not the movie-version of the guy leaving for a prettier and younger female. Instead, statistics show that in two-thirds of all American divorces, it's the women who file for divorce. And while men usually fare better financially than women in a divorce, experts say it's the men who are much more likely to come unglued emotionally — seriously unglued.
The truth is that men don't do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks.
Marriage Builders: Dr. Willard Harley
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor. He and his wife Joyce host a radio show on the USA Radio Network called Marriage Builders presenting the latest research, trends, and issues on marriage.
On his web site Marriage Builders, in an article entitled "Why Women Leave Men", he writes:
Women tend to be more concerned about their marriages than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them and initiate most marriage counselling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends and sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.
Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families' future to escape it?
Why do women leave men?
Dr. Harley points out that many of the reasons like physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behaviour, fraud, or other serious grounds are down the list. The number one reason for a woman filing for divorce is neglect.
The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Final Word
What are women recognizing twice as much as men? Men may be unaware that they are neglecting their wife? Seems like an old joke. Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate — it's apathy. It's not giving a damn.
- Leo Buscaglia
Women twice as much as men. Indifference. Apathy. Neglect. Mental cruelty. Happier after divorce. At one point, we get married with all the hope and joy that goes along with it. What happens? We just stop caring? Have we forgotten all the reasons that brought us together in the first place?
In my blog Relationships: The power of touch, I end with some questions:
Can the simple act of physically touching evoke intimacy? Can it keep us together? Argue but hold hands. Debate but keep touching. Fight but remain in contact. Break the physical bond and you risk breaking the emotional bond?
References
National Center for Health Statistics - May 21/1991
Advance Report of Final Divorce Statistics
p. 4: text on petitioners
p. 15: Table 12: stats based on petitioner
The New York Times - July 11, 2000
The Big City; A New Look At Realities Of Divorce by John Tierney
two-thirds of divorce suits are filed by women... This trend has inspired what is probably the first paper in the American Journal of Law and Economics ever to be named after a Nancy Sinatra song. In ''These Boots Are Made for Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women,'' Margaret F. Brinig and Douglas Allen, both economists, analyze all 46,000 divorces filed in one year, 1995, in four different states: Connecticut, Virginia, Montana and Oregon.
American Law and Economics Review, Vol. 2, pp. 126-169, 2000
These Boots Are Made for Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women
Margaret F. Brinig, Notre Dame Law School
Douglas W. Allen, Simon Fraser University
ABC News - March 13, 2009
Men After Divorce: In Touch With Feelings By Bill Ritter
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I never believed in divorce (until I met my husband)
I never believed in divorce (until I got married)
2011-04-19
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2 comments:
i wonder the same things too ... when does the loving stop? and why?
As a woman who initiated divorce, this rings true for me. I believe that my husband fell out of love with me years ago, and that though I was the one who ultimately said it was over, he was the one who stopped trying, years before, to make our marriage successful, and the one who ultimately quit first. I was the one who begged for counseling, I was the one who bought (and read) books, I was the one initiating sex and planning dates and attempting to salvage our romance...but when he wouldn't (or couldn't) work at it, I didn't feel like there was anything left for me to do but leave. Ironically, though every sign pointed to him no longer enjoying our marriage, I believe that he is suffering much more than I am now that it is over.
I spent years being heartbroken and lonely in our marriage, wondering what part of myself was so lacking that he no longer treated me with love, kindness, and respect; I tried everything I knew to fix things. But now, I see that I am moving on, and he is suffering. I no longer beg for his love - I am too busy working on my life (career, motherhood, fitness, friendships, family, etc.) to spend any more time pondering what is broken beyond repair....and I watch him sink deeper into the sofa cushions with his video games, eating Pringles, and looking very, very lonely. I have an extra bounce in my step as I stop putting my energy into trying to heal what was already dead...and he appears bereft without the energy that I put into "us."
He was not ignorant that he was ignoring me and my needs - I spoke up in counseling, etc. But he was apathetic, and apathy is a marriage killer, and I do not regret walking away.
What do women want from their husbands? Thank you for asking. I want kindness. I want interest. I want conversation. I want to take turns with a sick child in the middle of the night, and I want some help with the dishes. I want sex. I want to walk down to the beach near my house, to sit leaning on a log, and to kiss one another deeply as the sun sets. I want to talk about our dreams, and work hard to make them happen. I want to hear that I'm attractive to him. I want to laugh. I want to catch each other's eyes and smile - ahhh, it's you, and I'm so glad you're here. I want to hear "I believe in you."
And yes, I want to give all of that, too.
I'd rather be alone forever than forego that list within a romantic relationship. I know it can't be perfect every day, but if I can't get some of that some of the time, well, thank you but no thank you. Please, stay on the sofa at your own house. Soak in your own misery, but keep me out of it. As for me, I'm packing a picnic and heading to the beach for dinner. There's nobody there to kiss, but I can still ohhh and ahhh over the sunset, I can skip rocks with our daughter, and I can enjoy every single minute of it.
And if there is a "next" husband? After that sunset, he'll take me home and rock my world. Don't worry, I'll rock his, too. I may have been ignored, but I haven't forgotten what it feels like to be held. It's not only men who want touch.
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