Movie Review: Pacific Rim

Fifteen minutes into the film and I realise this is one of the f**kin' stupidest things I've ever seen. Matt Zoller Seitz, a 40 year old writing a review on Roger Ebert, states, "If I were nine years old, I would see the monsters-versus-robots adventure "Pacific Rim" 50 times. Because I'm in my forties and have two kids and two jobs, I'll have to be content with seeing it a couple more times in theaters and re-watching it on video. " Four out of four stars? Wait. Are we talking about the same movie? I read the Wikipedia article on the movie and the section titled "Critical Response" cites critic after critic being laudatory about this cinematic opus. Rotten Tomatoes is currently giving it 71%. Did this film hit home with the inner ten year old in all these people? I'm 60 but instead of liking it six times more than a ten year old, I liked in six times less. No, I liked it sixty times less. Transformers are dumb. I'm sorry, but they are. (I know. I should have gone with a ten year old kid.) Pacific Rim takes the dumbness of Transformers and... dumbs it down. God, I need a drink. A really stiff one. I grab a hold of the bartender's hand and say, "Leave the bottle."

F**kin' stupid. Where do I begin? With any movie, there's a premise. You have to give up belief and accept the premise or the movie doesn't work. All the way through it, I could see that a ten year old would buy into this. I didn't. And this explains why I no longer play with Dinky Toys. That sort of thing no longer interests me. It fails to capture my imagination. Now, if you bring up The Matrix or Star Trek:Next Generation, you've got my attention. But this? If you're a parent accompanying your kids to the flicks, you are not going to have a good time. Unlike the Pixar animations which remain cartoons but with enough more mature content to entertain adults, this is pure kids' stuff. But maybe you are in touch with your inner ten year old. Personally, I've moved on to something a tad more sophisticated.

With Iron Man 3 and last year's The Avengers, you had the snarky Stark. Hey, love the arrogance.

Captain America: Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away, what are you?

Tony Stark: Ah, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

Pacific Rim is devoid of humour. It tries to take itself seriously but the plot is... well, how do I put this? Oh, I know. How about f**kin' stupid?

I see the budget was $190 million. That's a lot of crash bang boom but I certainly didn't care. I originally thought about going because 71% on Rotten Tomatoes seemed half decent. Every once in a while I like to have my senses assaulted and with 3D and IMAX, I figured it would be a half decent sensory overload. (Buzzer sounds) Wrong!!! It's at this point in the review I should be discussing plot, characterization, and the nuances of the screenplay, but with a running time of 132 minutes, I see the delicate balance of my life has been turned upside down by not properly profiting from what little time I have on this planet for something like, let's say, washing my hair. (I'm nearly bald.)

Final Word
For the love of God and all that you hold sacred in life, don't watch this film. Even if your neighbour comes over with a free ticket and offers to mow your lawn for a month , refuse. Lock your front door. Don't answer the doorbell. Hide under your bed. A half hour into the film, I was seriously thinking about walking out. But then I remembered I had plopped down $18.99 and so became determined to see it through to the bitter end so I could write this review and warn you to run for your lives!

If you are a parent, here's my suggestion. Buy your kid a ticket to Pacific Rim while you buy a ticket to the movie Frances Ha. Or, bring a good book and sit in the lobby. Or, poke yourself in the eye with a pencil.


References

Rotten Tomatoes: Pacific Rim: 71%
It may sport more style than substance, but Pacific Rim is a solid modern creature feature bolstered by fantastical imagery and an irresistible sense of fun.

Wikipedia: Pacific Rim
Pacific Rim is a 2013 American science fiction film directed by Guillermo del Toro, written by del Toro and Travis Beacham, and starring Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day, Rob Kazinsky, Max Martini, and Ron Perlman.

my blog: Iron Man 3
Good solid entertainment: 78%

my blog: The Avengers
Good comic book stuff: 91%

my blog: Frances Ha
Woody Allenesque seriocomedy: 91%

2013-07-15

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